The Man I'm Becoming: What This Is Really About

There comes a point in life when you start asking yourself a different kind of question. Not, “What do I want?” Not, “What do other people think of me?” Not even, “Why did this happen to me?” The question becomes: Who am I becoming?

I think I've reached that point. And honestly, I'm still figuring it out.

I'm Not Writing This Because I Have Life Figured Out

Quite the opposite. I've made mistakes. I've handled things poorly. I've said things I wish I could take back. I've stayed too long in situations I should have walked away from. I've walked away from things I probably should have fought harder for. I've blamed other people when I needed to look at myself. I've cared too much about what other people thought. I've let my emotions make decisions for me. I've confused being nice with being afraid to disappoint people.

And I've learned that sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is yourself.

I'm not proud of every decision I've made. But I've started to realize something: your mistakes don't have to become your identity.

They can become information. They can show you where you need to grow. They can expose patterns you didn't want to see. They can force you to become more honest with yourself. And sometimes, they can become the beginning of something better.

I Don't Want to Become Perfect

I don't think that's possible. And I'm not sure I'd want it anyway.

I want to become someone I respect.

That's different.

I want to be a man who can look at his own behavior honestly and say, “I was wrong,” without immediately following it with a list of reasons why I wasn't really wrong. I want to be someone who can apologize without defending himself. Someone who keeps his word. Someone who treats people well without needing something in return.

I want to be someone who can love deeply without losing himself. Someone who can be alone without feeling like something is missing. Someone who can walk away from disrespect without needing to prove a point. Someone who can admit when he's scared without allowing fear to run his life.

I want to be someone who takes care of himself, his appearance, his health, his responsibilities, his relationships, and the people who depend on him. Someone who is confident without needing to make other people feel small. Someone who can be kind without being a pushover.

And yes, someone who knows when to take no shit.

Because I don't believe becoming a better person means becoming endlessly agreeable. There is a difference between forgiveness and allowing someone to keep hurting you. There is a difference between patience and tolerating disrespect. There is a difference between humility and having no self-respect. There is a difference between being emotionally available and being emotionally dependent.

Being a good person doesn't require you to abandon yourself.

Accountability Changed the Way I Look at Life

One of the hardest lessons I've been learning is that accountability isn't about deciding who is the bad guy.

It's about asking: What was my part?

That's a much harder question.

It's easy to point at someone else's mistakes. It's easy to explain why they hurt you. It's easy to build a case for why you were justified. It's much harder to look at yourself and ask what you could have done differently.

I've learned that relationships can become competitions over who is more at fault. And once that happens, nobody is really trying to fix anything anymore. They're trying to win.

I've experienced that.

And I've learned that being right doesn't necessarily save a relationship.

Sometimes two people can both have legitimate complaints about each other. Sometimes two people can both be hurt. Sometimes two people can both have failed to take responsibility. And sometimes love isn't enough to overcome that.

That's a difficult thing to accept. But it's also freeing.

Because once you stop obsessing over what the other person should have done, you can finally start asking what you can do differently next time.

That's where growth begins.

Becoming Stronger Doesn't Mean Becoming Harder

I think there's a misconception about masculinity that says a strong man doesn't get emotional. He doesn't need anybody. He doesn't get hurt. He doesn't admit fear. He never apologizes. He dominates. He wins. He doesn't care what anyone thinks.

I don't believe that.

I think real strength requires much more control than that.

Anybody can lash out. Anybody can be angry. Anybody can walk away. Anybody can pretend they don't care.

Strength is being able to feel something deeply and still choose how you respond. Strength is being able to hear something you don't want to hear and consider whether there's truth in it.

Strength is admitting you were wrong.

Strength is walking away when staying would destroy your self-respect.

Strength is staying when leaving would simply be easier. Strength is knowing the difference.

And maybe most importantly, strength is not needing to prove that you're strong.

I Also Believe in Taking Care of Yourself

Becoming better isn't only about deep conversations and personal growth. It's also about the little things.

How you dress. How you groom yourself. How you take care of your body. How you speak to people. How you carry yourself into a room. Whether you keep your promises. Whether you show up on time. Whether your home reflects the way you want to live. Whether you make an effort.

None of those things make you a better human being by themselves. But they can be expressions of self-respect.

Taking care of yourself isn't vanity. Wanting to look good isn't automatically insecurity. Wanting to become more confident isn't arrogance. Wanting more out of your life doesn't mean you're ungrateful for what you have.

You can appreciate where you are and still want to become better. Those things can coexist.

And Then There's Everyone Else

One of the things I'm still learning is that I don't have to be liked by everyone.

That's harder than it sounds.

Most of us want approval. We want to be understood. We want people to like us. We want the relationship to work. We want the text back. We want the invitation. We want the validation. We want people to see our intentions.

But sometimes they won't.

Sometimes someone will misunderstand you. Sometimes someone won't choose you. Sometimes you'll do everything right and still get rejected. Sometimes you'll lose people. Sometimes you'll be the person who screwed up. And sometimes you'll have to accept that another person's opinion of you is simply not yours to control.

That's part of growing up.

You can care about people without living for their approval. You can listen to criticism without allowing it to define you. You can apologize without begging to be forgiven. You can love someone and still let them go. You can be disappointed and still move forward.

That's What This Site Is About

I'm not here to tell you how to live.

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a life coach. I'm not a relationship expert. I'm certainly not some guy who has everything figured out.

I'm a guy who has lived enough life to have made some mistakes, learned some lessons, changed his mind, gotten some things right, gotten plenty of things wrong, and realized that becoming a better person is probably a lifelong project.

Some of what you'll find here will come from my own experiences. Some will come from things I've read, studied, researched, or learned from other people. Some will simply come from questions I've been asking myself.

I'll talk about relationships, confidence, accountability, masculinity, self-respect, dating, social media, style, grooming, being social, getting older, starting over, being alone, being a father, being a friend, being a partner, being a man, and just being a person trying to navigate this weird thing called life.

Some of it will be serious. Some of it will be uncomfortable. Some of it might piss you off. Some of it might make you laugh. And hopefully, some of it will make you stop and think.

Because that's really what I'm after.

Not perfection. Not some imaginary version of masculinity. Not becoming someone else.

Just becoming a little better than I was yesterday. And hopefully helping someone else do the same.